sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
