apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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