Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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