Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
