Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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