U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize