Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you told grandpa to call you daddy
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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