someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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