If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
