im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
