if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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