I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
