I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
