in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I didn't notice because vodka
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
