I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
