one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
