So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
