I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
