Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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