take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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