do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
