You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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