He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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