I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
