State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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