dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
