The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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