anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
