It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
