whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
