i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
