Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
