also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
