Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize