Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
