You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
