I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
