Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
