If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
tell your sister to shave her snatch
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
