is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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