Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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