Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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