tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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