i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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