never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
