look no pants
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
