No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
