She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
