this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
