i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize