I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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