I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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