we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
