He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
