I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
