Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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